It's been a little while since I wrote on our blog, so I wanted to start with something I wrote a couple of years ago.
I was, on this day, feeling terribly low and unable to escape the 'black dog' that seems for many of us to come back and visit, regularly. I felt a little poetic that day and took my minimal ability to write and put it into words.
This is in no way great writing, but for me, it captured how I felt. And hopefully shows you that we can all feel haunted by anxiety and depression. We can all find it hard to be okay.
You are never alone.
There’s a ghost in my house.
I never invited or opened a door, but he’s there, all the same, all the time, I am sure. When I look I can’t see him, don’t see any proof, though I've searched all the rooms from the basement to roof.
He doesn't pay rent, I can't prove he's around. I can’t take a photo, don't hear ghostly sound, but try to live normal, be happy and free; and that’s when he’ll whisper and ruin, for me.
My home doesn’t work right, it is falling to ruin, the damage I know is all his hidden doing, the seeds he has planted of self-hatred and doubt, have grown through my home both within, and without.
Come one day, and everything looks quite okay; another you’ll meet with depression, decay. The ghost in my shell if you’re hoping to see - he’s not there. Broken home, no ghost; just me.
He's faceless, this ghoul who eats lives just for fun, not nameless it's true but I don't give him one. He whispers at night that I never belong, am stupid and broken and useless and wrong.
He laughs when I cry and make it from bed, won't chase away callers - makes me do it, instead. He's cruel and persistently focused on me; a shadow unending, that no one can see.
But then again maybe that ghost is a lie - no ghost in the home, just one lonely old 'I'. There’s a ghost in my house. I never invited or opened a door, but here’s here all the same, all the time, at the door.
One day he'll win and my household will fall, he'll wreck all I am as he claims back each wall, leaves me in ruins and walks off scott-free. There’s a ghost in my house.
Soon that ghost will be me.
This was written in a dark moment for me. And, strangely, writing this helped. It helped me because I was able to show this to others and let them see what I was feeling.
It is in human connection, in seeking help, that we can chase these ghosts away.
Counselling may not always 'end' the haunting - but it helps to bring it down to size and give you tools to help you manage it so much better. And you're no longer alone.
If this echoes any feelings for you at all, reach out today. I promise you won't be alone in that home anymore.
Take care of yourself, and each other.
